Broken

Broken. Not whole. Cast aside. Unfit. Unworthy. Worthless.

We evaluate others on a scale of wholeness, measuring them up to a standard that we draw arbitrarily, hoping that if someone might glance our way we would measure up. But we don’t. The issue is not the fact that we are at a carnival and are too short for the roller coaster or exceed the weight limit to a ride or are too late to receive the special discount. The problem is not that our gas gauge is flickering on “E” or the computer is flashing low battery. No, this is not a problem that can be fixed or waited out or changed. The issue is much more intrinsic than that.

The issue is that I am broken. Parts are missing and I don’t know how long it’s been that way. Parts have been stolen from me a long time ago and replaced with a bootleg this world and society finds acceptable for a brief moment but then sees the newest model and once again, I’m trash. Because I am unfit. There is no standard or measure that anyone holds where I can meet the requirements. But the best part is…I don’t give a damn. I’M BROKEN! I’M A PIECE OF SHIT!
And so are you. You say I am deluded and don’t know what I’m talking about. O, but I do. You have on a fresh coat of paint but underneath you have just as many missing pieces and dysfunctional parts. Sorry for ruining you “secret.” O the irony…

I look at my standards and realize: I don’t even fit them. It is only what I aspire to be. And for what?! So that I will be lumped in the same category as a bunch of other people with chipping paint and rusting parts.

So we are all a bunch of used toys that are given to the newest baby in the family because we have no value anymore. Something happened along the years that made us unwanted. A knee blew out, a heart was torn, a back was stabbed.

But the fact that we were created at all (whether by a local toy shop in Germany or a factory in China) escapes us. The toymaker sees us for who we are, and frankly, thinks the bootleg version of us is a little weird but cute on us. So why do we keep lining up under other people’s standards and continue to get our hopes dashed? Why not stand apart from them until they notice the similarities? Or stand beside the rejected ones? O that’s right. I forgot. It’s cause you think they’re broken. Here’s your measuring line. My bad.

Failing

The other day I was talking to friend. He has always had issues with religion, God, and particularly at Christianity. But this time he not only had issues, this time he was furious. He was mad at the lies that Christianity had spat at him. He was pissed off at the fact that there was so much hypocrisy, but not only that, so many fakes who aren't even hypocrites but simply fakes. In his words, he said that from what he has seen, the devil has more to offer him in this life. All he wants is to live, be successful, die, and have his body decompose. That's it. He says he is too ambitious and laughs at all religious people for chasing after something that is not real or something that won't even help them in life. He told me he wants power and success. He told me he doesn't like people.

Another friend has issues of orientation. His family has rejected him because of it. The ones that were supposed to be the people who most closely show him the love of Christ have rejected him and kicked him out. Now, there is bitterness towards people. Bridges are burned. People are hurt and he is only protecting himself.

I know another guy. He says that he is the way he is because Christians made him this way. He is a grim guy who professes belief in God but has nothing to do with church. He may attend to appease his mom every once in a while. I once heard him say that he had never seen someone express the real love of God to him.

There's another guy. He knows the gist of religion, knows the premise of Christianity but has never been challenged to it. Has never had his faith sparked. To him, there is no issue of church. It's just something that some do and others don't. When I invited him to house church, he was shocked that it was even possible to have church in a house.

And yet there's another guy. Grew up in the church and knows about God. But he's locked in his beliefs. His way of thinking is always right. Anyone who opposes it is wrong. He fits the typical white Republican in his beliefs. And he has injured others because of it.

It made me think.

As Christians, what the hell are we doing? Obviously we are doing something wrong, because we, I, am supposed to be showing the love of Christ to everyone, accepting everyone, living out faith in a way that demonstrates what I believe. I am supposed to be someone who gives all of myself. Christ is supposed to be dwelling in me and if Christ is dwelling in me, how can I do anything other than love others as they are and give them the grace that was shown me? I am supposed to SHOW them what it means to follow the rabbi not tell them to and then go and indulge in whatever vice has them trapped in the dungeons of sin! I am called, WE are called, to be a people that brings light. When did we stop? When did being a Christian become so commonplace that it means NOTHING to be a follower of Christ!? And why are we doing nothing about it? It makes me sad that after being around these guys they don't tell me that I'm different because I follow Christ or that I have been an example of unconditional love to them. It pains me even more that I am not the only one who has failed at that. It pains me the most that because of my and our failures, there are people that choose to have nothing to do with Truth and Life and Love and walk into Darkness, Hate, and Loneliness. And what chills me is that I may have just wasted my last chance to witness to them what Jesus is truly all about.

Home and the Lessons Learned

So I am home. I flew in on the 9th. Man, what an emotional day that was. I was excited as all get out to get back home but then I again I realized how much those people back in Desamparados had come to mean to me. I am ready for the semester to start so that I can see my friends, classes get under way (in a sick way I am ready for classes), have more of a set routine, and start some new things in my life. But many of the people made an impact in my life that I will never forget. The conversation that I had with Fran who said he will not get baptized because he cannot make God a priority in his life, the time with Wagner who is 14 but is more mature than most teenagers, with Gabby who is baptized but her mom is not, with Jose who is an amazing man of God, with Guillermo who is consistent and faithful in all, with Ronald and his jokes, wisdom, and teachings, with Esteban and his desire to serve God and do good. All of that I will miss deeply. I did not realize how much I was taking for granted there and how much I was actually getting into.

I learned so much. I learned that I need to be a light in the world and be in a place so that my light is seen and defeats darkness. I learned that my life should be different from that of someone who is not a follower of Christ. I learned to deal with people gently and humbly. I learned a way of approaching Bible studies. I began learning about faith and prayer. I was encouraged and brought to learn that even as a stranger in a different land, I can help people. I learned the power of relationships, even if all in common is Christ.


Desamparados means the abandoned. I found that it was an interesting name for a city. It made me think, there must be many people who feel abandoned by God, abandoned by families, abandoned by friends, abandoned by hope. I met too many single moms or kids who's fathers had left them. They were abandoned. But one of the lessons that I heard preached several times while there was that God does not abandon us nor does he fail us.

I know I am anything but abandoned and that I am supposed to take what I have learned and apply it. As time goes on, I'm sure I'll realize other things that I learned. My prayer for being back home is that God will teach me more. That I will be able to really be active in my faith. That I will not be alone. And that these next few months I will burn furiously for Him.

Standing out

So this summer has really got me thinking and excited about life and trying to live a life devoted to God. There are some things that I really want to do next semester that would really be about being a light in dark places and serving others. I've been reminded by my time here that's it's not about being comfortable, it's about standing out. Being a little over six feet, blonde hair and blue eyed makes you stand out where the average person is 5 1/2 feet, maybe 150 lbs (tops), and has dark hair and eyes. I got to thinking how in Abilene and almost anywhere in the US, I blend in. Well what if that wasn't true? What if I stood out but not because of physical features? What if the reason I stood out in a crowd was because I served Christ and followed him, and in serving Christ to serve others? My dream is to be someone who God uses to help others wether that be bringing peace to war torn lands in the Mid East or central Africa, or at the least being an example of a what a different life can look like.

crazy latino people...

So this past weekend was pretty fun. We had a youth retreat with a bunch of other churches and our group was the largest there (we had 20 kids). It was kinda funny cause the theme was "Your decision, your couple, your destiny". The ironic thing was how insanely this thing caused people to flirt and stuff. I mean I've been to my fair share of youth retreats in the States but they had nothing on this. But it was alot of fun. However, there was a downside. Since Ronald (the preacher) didn't stay but only dropped us off, he put a couple of us in charge. By some twist of fate, my name was the principle name as the leader for our group. I was all good with that until they called all the leaders together at the end of the first night. After the typical "Keep control, don't be too loud, blah, blah, blah" the dude starts appointing "rondas". I had a bad feeling about this, especially when I got assigned the 2-4 shift. After a clarifying question by another dude, "rondas" turns out to be guard duty where we walk the trails making sure there's no one out of the cabin who should be in or someone from the street who should be out. The most eventful that it got was chasing a dog away and eating a lemon, a mango, and a guayava. Boy was the next day running on fumes... A fun experience though was when at 12:30 all the guys cabins go to the girls side for "serenata" (serenade) which means they all sing some cheesy love song. Real funny. Also funny was how absolutely crazy all the girls went. All part of living with some crazy latino people.

I feel like I finally got to know some of the people in the youth group after such an eventful weekend. Only thing is that I only have three weeks left. Somewhat of a bummer. My main thing that I want to do is really encourage the group to be strong because there's not too much else I can do in a short time (not that I could do much with a lot of time). It's such an encouragement to see the excitement that people have about being a Christian. Last Sunday an older lady was baptized. Before getting in she was so giddy with excitement and when she came out of the water she was beaming. It was obviously the happiest day of her life. It was such an honor to be able to see that, not to mention real encouraging to me.

So there's a month left for me here. My prayer is that God will let this coming month be better than the last one. That I will learn all he has for me to learn and that he will teach me what it is to be his servant. That he will build up all those around me and that if I in any way can help, that I will.

Halfway...or just past that point

So halfway. I have one more month left. It's been great so far with some fun experiences and learning a lot. Most of what I am learning is coming from conversations that I have with Wade at the most timely hour of about 11:00 at night...It's been awesome though with conversations ranging from college to sports to prayer to purpose. I'm really learning more about the power of prayer and trying to rely on it more but that can be difficult. My schedule has pretty much stayed the same. We go to Bible studies everyday but Thursdays with language school from noon until about four. I usually do homework in the mornings and at night we usually go to church. My favorite services are the ones at the church plant. It's smaller than the other one and since I have been attending house church for the last while back at home, I'm more comfortable there. Plus there's this little kid who is a goofball that I practically babysit during the services so his mom can pay attention easier. It's pretty fun and a challenge to keep him quiet usually. Being around kids always gives me a greater respect for parents, particularly mine.

This past weekend Wade and I went hiking with one of the men from church named Jose Abarca. He's one of the most legit men I have ever met. I think we hiked about 10 kilometers or so. We went up to this spot where you could see two different cities and then we just kinda kept hiking. We crossed about four or five fences like it was no big. We ended up coming out of the mountains about 30 minutes from where we started so we kept walking. The man asked us if we wanted to run down the hill to go a little quicker, I sadly misunderstood what he was saying and agreed. So when all of a sudden he took off jogging I got really confused and had to step it up. Mind you this is a 70 year old man who just hiked 5 hours in the mountains and now we are jogging and he hasn't uttered a single complaint while me and Wade are not believing the feeling in our hips and knees. It was an awesome time just cause we got to be around this awesome man who just exudes calm and peace and is really funny too.

One of the songs that I have really come to lift up as my prayer while here and that I have just really latched on to is "My Desire" by Jeremy Camp. It really frames what I want my life to be like:

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You want to be real, you want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do Your will
It's to do Your will

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

Wow. What a week it's been. We started language school this past Monday. Let me tell you, I am awful at grammar. In both languages...But it's been good. Right now I'm just confused when I speak but hopefully towards the end I'll be able to understand why I speak how I speak.

I find it ironic that I am working for a church. Last semester I attended a house church and really developed a different view of church and the one here feels conservative and very much focused on the works aspect of life. While those are not bad, they can be and in my mind, church has been very redefined from that and it's almost as if now I'm redefining what I learned. It feels like the people here know that church is not about the Sunday morning service. It almost feels as if done out of tradition. But then I go to a Bible study or a prayer meeting and I'm reminded that it's the people. The warmth and devotion of the people; that's what church is about. The setting can change but the heart does not change.

Church has been real good. Following Ronald around to Bible studies has been great. Very, very rewarding. I am now in charge of the youth group. That happened Monday night. It'll be interesting for sure but I think it'll be a chance for me to grow. I don't really like to consider myself a "teacher" cause I feel like I need to learn more before I can teach. Today we had our first youth group Bible study with me and Wade leading it. I think it went well. We decided to do a in-depth study at the Sermon on the Mount. Today we only went over the Beatitudes and the Salt and Light of the world section. Wade and I probably talked a grand total of ten minutes. The study lasted from 3:20-4:30. Awesome. I like not having to talk and I think the youth liked being able to talk.

Tonight about two minutes after starting writing this, I suddenly was asked if I (and Wade) wanted to go to a wake for the brother of one of the people in the church. Since Wade and I like the guy and respect him a lot we went to support him. When we got there, they asked Ronald to do a short service. If they would have asked me, I would have probably pooped in my pants from nervousness at speaking to the family of a man I rarely knew, knowing most of the people in the room are either Catholic or don't go to church. But Ronald busted out his Bible, read Philippians 1:21 (For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain) and talked about how we need to take advantage of this life because everyone dies. He probably talked for at least 15 minutes. I mean wow! Wade turned to me is amazement and commented that no one knows the seeds that that short message will have planted and I was in awe that God would use one man's death to potentially bring life to others.

random info

Well shoot dang. It is freakin awesome here.
On weather: slightly humid but not too bad. Never above the 80's. It usually at least sprinkles in the afternoons and it cools off.

On food: Rice and beans for almost every meal. Today we actually had it at all three. Food is sooo good. There so many kinds of bread and stuff it's ridiculous. I like it alot. Also, fruit is ridiculously cheap here.

On living conditions: My host family is legit. There are two daughters and a son all about my age. The mom is a really good cook. The dad is the pastor who we do stuff with and he is one of the more amazing men I have ever met.

On day to day stuff: Well I usually wake about 9. Mornings are kinda random but we can go for a run, go with Ronald (the pastor) on visits or Bible studies, or just chill. We are yet to actually just chill. We walk alot of places and it's not too bad. Next week we start language school. I'll only go for half the day so it won't be that bad. Sundays are crazy. Church at 9. Come home for lunch around 12:30, nap, go to the church plant in the next suburbal area 15 minutes away at 4, get home around 6 or 6:30, eat, go to sleep...long days. The Bible studies that we've gone to are really cool. He's in different places with people but it's really cool to see how he approaches it. Also, there's church Tuesday night at 7-8:30. Then Wednesday at 7-8 at the church plant. Then a Thursday prayer gathering at 7-8:30. So yikes. Busy days but really good days. Ronald has had at least a Bible study a day, sometimes two so there is a real sense of the Gospel growing and spreading because many of these are not in the church already. In Abilene, some growth seems to happen only from people switching from Highland to SoHills or from University to Beltway. Here people are saying I'm going to begin going to church. I wish I had such a desire as some of them.

On church: Church has such a different feel here than in the US. For one, the people that come are really, really serious about it. There is a greater sense of brotherhood. The leadership of it is pretty neat too. Before the service Sunday morning, about 8 men go up to a room about 10 minutes before and assign what's to be done. They already know who's preaching, although it's not the same every week. Ronald, the head honcho, assigns some to do the Communion, song leading, managing the parking lot, an opening prayer, the prayer for the sick, and the closing prayer. When I say assigns some to do the Communion, he says "Hermano, will you do the thoughts today?" So someone pretty much has about 20 minutes to come up with a thought for the supper and someone else does it for the offering. There is a deep, deep reverence for communion. The only ones who touch the trays are the ones serving it, no one else does. There also seems to be a view that the service really must go perfectly and that is a way to praise God. The prayers are so different than prayers in the US. They are vibrant! People will amen in the middle of a prayer, or say "glory to God!" and it throws you off for a little but it's affirming at the same time. It's almost as if there's an art to it. The songs are different. They are very short, and usually only have one or two verses saying a same general theme. Here they are sung somewhat slower than other places that I've sung them and I know the pastor wants to change that.

Overall it's been an awesome experience so far. I'm sure things will come up that will be harder to bear but right now, I'm all for it. It's been refreshing to see people's faith so alive. That about sums it up.

First Sunday

Wow. Finally in Costa Rica!! Que fino! We arrived here on Friday afternoon and it's been a blast ever since. Saturday we had a youth get together with a couple of the other churches around and after singing (off-key), eating (rice and beans for breakfast, noodles for lunch) we played a ton of ping-pong. Me and Wade came so close to beating the best team out there...Sunday has been awesome so far. Church was so different from back home. (Granted for me church back home is house church and thus still non-traditional, it was still different from many of the services I've been to.) The prayers were different, communion had a solemness to it that was far from the same, the songs focused on different aspects, and boy was it formal! On my first time to this church I served communion and prayed in the adults class. This is going to be an interesting summer since I really don't like being in front of crowds. But it'll be good. At four we are going to a church plant about twenty minutes away where there are only two members who are baptized. I'm pretty excited cause it sounds so new and I don't feel like I've seen a brand new group of Christians in so long. At home, Christianity feels so stale but here it is far from. It's awesome. My host family is about the best ever. Nora is a great cook. Esteban is almost 17 and a real goofy guy. Adrianna and Alejandra are 19 and 22 and real cool too. Ronald is probably the most humble man I have ever met and a great teacher. The way he deals with people is so awesome, he's so personal. It is truly inspiring.

The last couple of days I was thinking about why I had come or was brought here. I can't really think of a particular need I'm filling. I'm not loving on orphans, I'm not ministering to street kids dejected by society, I'm not running a camp, I'm not even in charge of the youth group. I'm not here to teach. So why am I here? I realize that I am very much a person who tries to do things and knows alot about things but not always understands intimately. It slowly (very slowly) came to me that maybe God did not bring me here to do anything in particular. The church is fine when I got here and will be fine when I leave. I'm not going to convert dozens in my time here. While we are here, we will also be going to a language school. Maybe this whole time here is "school". Maybe God is trying to tell me that I need to stop doing and planning but figure out how to live out his message where I am, when I am. Maybe I am just here to learn, to soak, to watch, to listen, to mull things over. I am not here to actively teach, campaign, or correct. I am here to learn how to embody Christ where I am. While I do feel a sense of comfort realizing there is a point to me being in Desamparados, Costa Rica, embodying Christ is a real daunting task especially without the benefits of being distracted by task that I usually fill my life with.

So that is what I want to really practice these next two months. I challenge you to do so with me. Inevitably we will have task and actions to do that have a specific purpose but over all, let's just be. I guess the Beatles did speak words of wisdom, "let it be."

"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalms 46:10

Useful Uselessness

Ok. So I was again thinking about what Costa Rica is going to be like and all the random stuff to do in prep and when I get there. And then it struck me. What good is going to be accomplished by me going? I know that I can "help out" but I am pretty sure that the church down there will be fine if I never show up. And what about things such as teaching, leading devos, and other such "ministering" jobs? Overall I'm not very good at those. I know my dad will just say that's because I haven't had much practice at it but regardless. So I was thinking, what can an outsider to the culture truly hope to accomplish? I realized the answer somewhat quick. Nothing. I truly can hope to accomplish nothing. All I am doing is going down there for a few weeks, learning some Spanish, and hanging out with the church, then I'll leave and all of the people there when I got there will most likely still be there.

As I thought about it though, that's the best thing. I can hope to accomplish nothing because truly, God should be the one to accomplish everything. Way easier said than done though... However, a very reasonable thought. Overall, it is always God who uses the situations to the furthering of his Kingdom. In fact, it is better for him if I start off as useless, because then I am not set with ideas of my own glory but with hopes for his. It's as if God wanted to make a rocking chair out of me. If I have pride in my own ability and strength and feel that I can do it on my own, I'll make myself into a chair but it will be a stiff chair that does not rock. For God to use that, he has to first take me apart (which is no fun...) and then finally he can make me into what he wants me to be. So it is better to start off as a pile of wood, useless at the moment but with immense potential to be formed into something so much greater. After all, Jesus called fishermen. Even in our culture, fishermen are seen as dudes chillin by the lake with a stick. It's something you do in your off time if you're lucky (i.e. I just cast and not actually fish...) but these guys did it for a living. But these are the one whom Jesus called to carry on a reformation movement, of the heart and the way that people live.

So I dare you, be a pile of wood. Let God fashion you in due time. Don't try to rush into something by your own wisdom or strength, it doesn't work. We often quote Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you." Regardless of whether we use it in context, it's still a valuable lesson. God already has a plan. Don't mess it up with yours. Give him the reins. He's a better driver than you anyways.

What's the Point?

So in about three weeks I ship out for Costa Rica. I am psyched out of my mind! The experience is gonna be great between working with a church, playing street soccer and volleyball, hopefully a whitewater rafting trip, language school, and the food. O my... I can't wait. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't really know what I am going to be doing. Sure, I'll be shadowing the minister there, working with the youth but I don't know truly how or what my roles will be. The more I contemplate on what that means, the more I think it's a good thing.

If I go in with expectations, I am limited. I will try to form experiences to what I think they should be like. In short, I place the limitless God in a bind as he now has to rock my world from my tunnel vision. So instead, I am (trying) to go in with no expectations. With no expectations, everything that happens becomes a plus. Everything has potential for me to learn. There are things that I want to accomplish while I am there but I am really trying to leave my mind open. I mean so much can happen in two months there's no way I can see it all from here, so why even bother?

So basically if you are doing something this summer that you've never done before, or even something that you have done, try not to limit what God can teach you. Leave your heart and mind open and I guarantee you that he will fill it.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." -prov 3:5-6

Redeeming the Name

I talked last night to a friend on my hall who professes to hate Christians. I decided to press this and see why. He told me he saw everyone who goes by that name as hypocritical and judgmental. He said it was Christians who mainly made fun of him growing up because he was different. This hurt me because to me Christians are supposed to love unconditionally. He did admit that there were a few who were different and did not make fun of him. My point for sharing this is that we have to be conscious that before anything else, our identity is in Christ. We are known as Christians, we are known as a group who is at least professing to take this seriously and actually try and live out Christ. I don't think that we should change our names to "followers of Christ" because that doesn't solve the problem. Especially at a place like ACU where many are nominally Christians but inwardly do not allow God in, we need to be different. We need to be the salt not just to the earth but to the church, the light not just to the world but to the people who claim God. This summer we also need to remember that we bear the name of Christ, a privilege and a burden. Please begin to make it your mission to redeem the name that you stand for. Please remember that your words and actions speak for all of us. And please go out of your way to express love, especially to the "least of these" or those that may have in any way have been hurt by "Christians".

Our image is in our actions and our actions are tied to our name. Our name is that we live out love and sacrifice. This is the name that we must redeem. Our mission is not only to the people in darkness but to those who are on the threshold of the light and also the ones hurt by the light.

"These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men." Is. 29:13

"Love your neighbor as yourself." Lev. 19:18